Newspaper
Features
Birth Announcements
Local Photography
Milestones
News
Obituaries
Our
Front Page
Outstanding
Youth
Sports
Online Columns
Frank
Parrish: The Bard of Volant
Regional
Interest
Business
Spotlight
Moving
to
the Area?
|
May, 24, 2007:
Memorial Day Weekend
By Frank Parrish
This weekend ushers in the summer season. The calendar says
summer won’t arrive until June, but the celebration of Memorial Day is
the clue that summer is here.
I remember when Memorial Day was really just one day. Now, as
with almost all of our holidays, it stretches over an entire
weekend. The main reason for this is because all of the grills
left out over the winter have to be sandblasted, cleaned, and
repainted, (unless you have one of those gazillion dollar stainless
steel kinds that can endure storms from Jupiter). This chore
takes nearly two days. The remainder of the second day is
reserved for chemically cleaning your body after working on your
grill. Then of course, you’ll need to bulldoze nearly an acre of
all living vegetation from around the grill. This is for when the
volcano-like charcoal spills out onto the ground after the dog knocks
it over. The neighbors don’t really enjoy watching their
perennials going up in black smoke, although they do seem to enjoy
watching yours go up. Don’t ask me how I know this.
Another big reason Memorial Day needs an entire weekend is 80% of
Earth’s population decides to go to the beach during this period of
time. 10% of this group own houses at the beach, and the other
90% want to rent them. The 10%, who are homeowners call each
other and say, “Hey, it’s time to get our beach places ready for those
people who think that sleeping in the hot sun and getting sand in
everything is fun. Ha! Ha!” So off they go. The 90%
who don’t own houses see the 10% heading toward the ocean. Not
wanting to appear ignorant, they jump in their cars, thinking, “Aha,
we’ll be the first ones in line to rent a beach house. Then we
can sleep in the hot sun and spend three days with sand in
everything.” This, of course, causes gas stations to start
charging $84 for a gallon of gas. Not that anyone will need to
use it because this giant exodus for the beach will trigger massive
traffic snarls in every direction that leads to an ocean. This,
of course is what the Beach Boys really meant when they sang the first
line to their hit song, Surfin USA, “If everybody had an ocean, across
the USA”. Everybody doesn’t have an ocean and the traffic and gas
prices are proof of this. The remaining 20% of Earth’s population
will be sitting on their decks, drinking beer, and throwing stuff at
the dog for knocking over the grill. These people think they’re
smarter than anyone else as they put chemical cleaner on their bodies
and mumble, “I’m sure glad I got that bulldozer running.”
As for me, I hang out my bunting. My wife bought it for me
because I think it looks like old-fashioned America; my Norman Rockwell
fixation. I know…I have no life. But I feel happy when it’s
out there hanging on the porch. I also cook hotdogs, make
coleslaw and baked beans and serve them to guests who might actually
like that kind of stuff. There’s always lots left over, but I
don’t mind. I’m happy. My bunting is out and it’s Memorial
Day weekend. Yeah, I know, I’m a Memorial Day Weekend
freak. I live large. It’s a bad habit I picked up
somewhere. Like I said, it makes me happy; as long as the dog
doesn’t knock over the grill and my neighbor’s perennials go up in
black smoke.
My bulldozer is in the shop.
Questions
or comments
Email Frank at:
fparrish@zoominternet.net
|
