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May, 10, 2007:
Mother’s Day
By Frank Parrish
Hey guys! Guess what? Yep, it’s that time of year
again. That one day when people pause to remember that very
special person. You know who I mean. Hands up if you know,
ok? I’ll wait…Still waiting. I can hum the theme song for
Final Jeopardy while I’m waiting if it will help your brain to work
better. Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm….hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. C’mon
now, think harder. You know who I’m talking about. I can
see smoke coming from your ears. That may be a good thing, or
maybe not. How about if I give you a hint?
I realize you might be confused because we do pause several times a
year to remember things like this. Just the other day I was
asking somebody, “When did Valentine’s Day become like Christmas?
I thought the presents from Loads-O-Rama were always at Christmas
time. And when did Easter become like Christmas and Valentine’s
Day? Sheesh, I have to go out and buy an Easter basket the size
of a 55 gallon drum just to hold all of the loot. It ain’t right,
I’m telling you!”
So that may be why you’re having trouble remembering what day is coming
up. You’re confused and in shock because you haven’t recovered
from those other three days. Ok, here’s my hint. IT’S
MOTHER’S DAY!!!
I know a lot of you guys have already been out in the stores buying
that really special gift for that really special mom. I’ve seen
you there. You’re the guys who have been through sensitivity
training and you’ve gotten in touch with your softer side; your kinder,
gentler side. I also know that your sensitivity training started
with a rabid Pit Bull, a German Shepherd, and a para-military
organization from somewhere south of nowhere, screaming at you, “YOU
WILL FIND YOUR SOFTER SIDE!” The canines agreed, with blood-red
eyes and dog slobber. And so you did, and there you were, out in
the stores, buying mom that special gift.
Who knew she wanted that 22 oz. claw hammer? Or that tool belt
with 74 double-stitched, deep pouches, and 4 more secret ones so you…I
mean so she could hide her Little Debbie snack cakes for when the
foreman wasn’t looking and it wasn’t your…I mean it wasn’t her break
time.
And who knew ever since your…I mean her propane grill was left out
during the winter that you’ve…I mean she’s had her eye on that
stainless steel beauty with 46 burners, a deep fryer, combination
refrigerator/freezer/walk-in meat locker/home entertainment system with
surround-sound and surround smell? I mean, who knew?
And for you guys who went way beyond your softer side and actually had
a brush with death (translation: your feminine side), who knew you…I
mean your moms wanted those riding lawn tractors with the hot-tempered
hemi engines that consume rocket fuel and have stereo systems tuned
perpetually to the local “pop goes the country” station, and only one
volume control, LOUDEST KNOWN TO MANKIND? Seriously, who knew?
And you guys who braved the supermarkets, buying your…I mean her
favorite food, steak, fried potatoes, deep-fried Twinkies, potato
chips, and corn dogs; you’re just amazing. When you offered to
let her cook it because you didn’t want to take a chance on ruining her
meal, well that was just downright Oprah-like of you.
It’s hard to remember what day is coming up, what with the
Chrisvaleneaster Holiday. But that’s what calendars and
restaurants and bizarre columnists are for, huh?
It’s all about her today so just go out and make your mother
happy. She deserves it.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Questions
or comments
Email Frank at:
fparrish@zoominternet.net
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