A couple of weeks ago I wrote about this thing called The Law of Attraction. It’s a gift, according to some of those TV preacher guys. I said there’s a best selling book about this gift, too. I don’t have the book. I thought I had this gift, though, because of the stuff I attract: stuff like car crashes and other weird things.

Well, I wanted to see if I could attract other things besides car crashes, credit cars people and telemarketers, so I’ve been practicing this gift in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been working really hard at it, but I have to admit, I haven’t been shouting, “Money, come to me NOW!” That seems like a stupid thing to do, and regardless of the fact that I tend to wear sweatshirts with corduroy pants – which I have been told is really stupid – I do have some little sense of self-esteem. So I refuse to shout that slogan; but I have been thinking it on the inside. It’s not working.
   
I did find a dime about a week and a half ago. I was doing the laundry and it was in the pocket of a pair of jeans. Normally I find dollar bills, but the kids have taken it to heart that if I find money in their jeans while I’m doing laundry, it’s mine. I don’t consider that to be The Law of Attraction though. That’s more like The Law of Not Checking Your Pockets Before Your Jeans Head Off to the Laundry and Dad Gets to Keep Whatever He Finds. Even though it was just a dime, it was better than old, chewed gum, and melted chocolate.
   
Last week I told you about the crab legs my family ordered. They never did that before. But maybe they ordered those things because I was saying in my head, “Money, come to me, NOW!” It could be that because I’m fairly new to this Law of Attraction thing, my magnetic mental attraction abilities are underdeveloped. Then again maybe I just don’t have that particular law as a gift. Maybe I have The Law of Attracting Everything Stupid, Annoying, and Totally Useless. Boy, there’s a law no one ever talks about, at least not any TV preacher guys. Really though, other than that dime and those crab legs, nothing much appears to have been sucked my way. There were a few pieces of old socks that my son’s puppy chewed up and spit out. But I’m putting those in the Useless Law category. If I could crochet, they might be useful, but I can’t and they aren’t.
   
I do think; however, there’s a spin-off gift that comes with this thing, too. Even though nothing of any real value has come to me, I have noticed that everything of value seems to go rushing out of my grasp. My electric bill has more than doubled. My water bill went up about 24%. My kids let the puppy eat their retainers, on two consecutive days, even after my stern-faced lecture, with the accompanying glare. That’s gotta be some kind of law, huh? Maybe it’s The Law of Dyslexic Attraction. Whatever it is, that law is doing just fine.
   
I’m wondering if whoever is running this law might have a hearing problem. Maybe when I’m saying in my head, “Money, come to me, NOW!” they’re hearing, “Money, get away from him as fast as you can, NOW!”
   
At least that part of it seems to be working just fine.

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