I was at the Super Duper Giant Store on Saturday to get some stuff. We were out of laundry soap, and my son was just going to toss his jeans in the washer and fling in a cup of bleach. I decided to get some soap. We needed some other things, too. My dogs needed more yummy, scrummy biscuit treats; the kind with the built in breath busters. Those cost a lot of money, and still my beagle’s breath smells like old socks that have been in wet boots for two weeks. But then, he is a beagle. He likes it to smell that way.

There are a few things in this world you want to avoid, if at all possible. For instance, regardless of what the ex-crocodile hunter said or did, you might want to avoid crocs at all times. Walking into a room where guys with names like The Mutilator or The Skull Crusher, who are 7 feet tall, have necks thicker than your waist, and are wearing tights, is something you might consider avoiding, especially if you yell, “Hey, I think wrestling is all fake and you guys are all wusses!” The other thing you should avoid is The Super Duper Giant Store on Saturdays. They ought to put a sign on the door that says, “CAUTION! It’s Saturday. I’d go home if I were you.” They should have a green Mr. Yuk face on it. They didn’t, so there I was on a Saturday with a gazillion other people who didn’t know any better.

I didn’t need much stuff so I grabbed one of those not real shopping carts. You know the ones that are half size and can only hold about three things? Those carts serve a couple of purposes. 1) They let everyone in the store know that you aren’t a real shopper. 2) They let everyone in the store know that since you’re not a real shopper you’ll be smashing into end displays, veggie bins, and little children. They make those carts half-size so when you smash into things it’s supposed to minimize the damage. Try to imagine smashing into one of the people giving away free fake burritos on cardboard, with a full size cart, filled with things that real shoppers buy. Those carts can weigh about the same as a full-grown wooly mammoth. That’s a law suit waiting to happen. The little carts are supposedly easier to maneuver, too, but when the store is alive with those people driving around in those scooter cart looking things, well, there’s no avoiding them. You’re sunk whether you have a half-size cart or not. I think those people must live in Florida and are only here to get some of those burritos. One more thing those dinky carts do is let other real shoppers know that you are a legitimate target. They like to aim their Hummer carts at you and shove you all the way over to the fish tank section of the store, just to hear someone say, “Clean up in aisle 12!”

But those are minor issues, the crowded store, people snickering because I’m not a real shopper, and the NASCAR scooter people. The thing that really lets people know that I’m not a real shopper, is, no matter what cart I pick, half size or full-size, I always get the cart with one wheel that refuses to turn or roll. This guarantees that I will be smashing into everything in sight.

“Clean up in aisles 1 through 17!”

Questions or comments
Email Frank at:
fparrish@zoominternet.net